The Forum of Benfleet Running Club

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 144 Location: Eastwood

Heather Mills couldnt wait to spend her money!!!!!

Graham · Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 209

Heather Mills was described by the divorce judge this week as unbalanced. Sir Paul suggested a beer mat under her left leg usually does the trick.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 819 Location: Hockley

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his

Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,

but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that 's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad,
passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your

face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his

wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,

'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by

his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,

'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was

Now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog

For company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish

Priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'be saying' a mass

for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services

for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the

lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do

something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right awa y Father. Do ya' think $5, 000 is

enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why

didn't ya be tellin me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'
'Is he a m ember of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following

Conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I

picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a

motel, where I had s*x wi th each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would

like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient

man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm

Getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you

forget to zip down.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a

pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the

bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover,'into the closet!' and she

pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became

suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you ?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,'

the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little b*stards!'
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 819 Location: Hockley

It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add one minute
> to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5
> months in a nursing home at £2,500 per month.
>
>
> My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is
> now 97, and we don't know where she is.
>
>
> The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
> breathing again.
>
>
> I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a
> pound. Apparently you have to show up.
>
>
> I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out
> what I am doing.
>
>
> I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would
> have put them further up our body.
>
>
> I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
> me.
>
>
> I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
>
> The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
>
>
> If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small
> country.
>
>
> And last, but not least, I don't jog - I found it too hard to breathe
> and swallow my food at the same time.
>
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 819 Location: Hockley

Diet Questions Answered
>> ------------------------------------------
>> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
>> can prolong life; is this true?
>>
>> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
>> don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
>> Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
>> like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
>> faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>>
>>
>> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
>>
>> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
>> Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
>> nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
>> to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
>> source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop
>> can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
>> products.
>>
>>
>> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>>
>> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
>> wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so
>> you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also
>> made out of grain. Bottoms up!
>>
>>
>> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>>
>> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one
>> to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
>>
>>
>> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
>> exercise
>> program?
>>
>> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
>> Pain...Good!
>>
>>
>> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>>
>> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these
>> days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
>> could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
>>
>>
>> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
>> the middle?
>>
>> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
>> You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>>
>>
>> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>>
>> A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
>> It's the best feel-good food around!
>>
>>
>> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>>
>> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
>>
>>
>> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>>
>> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>>
>>
>> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
>> had about food and diets.
>>
>>
>> And remember:
>> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
>> arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
>> rather
>> to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the
>> other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
>> 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'
>>
>> AND......
>>
>> For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word
>> on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
>> those conflicting nutritional studies.
>>
>> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
>> than
>> Americans.
>>
>> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
>> than
>> Americans.
>>
>> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
>> attacks
>> than Americans.
>>
>> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
>> attacks than
>> Americans.
>>
>> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
>> fats and
>> suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>>
>> CONCLUSION
>>
>> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
>> kills
>> you.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

mikemoreton · Joined: 23 Apr 2007 Posts: 405 Location: Hockley, GORC.

Mike

Perfick!!!

Salut Mon Ami

MM2

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 819 Location: Hockley

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased;

he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,

he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,

because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job,

which is to collect honey from the South American bees.

As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage

- because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says

"What's the food like here?"

The lions say

"Absolutely brilliant.

Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 144 Location: Eastwood

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table ! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odo u r is offe nsive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 144 Location: Eastwood

Police have just arrested John Arne Risse on the M62.......

Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction!!

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 819 Location: Hockley

B & Q Warning

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

gmike · Joined: 26 Mar 2008 Posts: 36 Location: Benfleet

A man walks into a blacksmiths ... looking for a job

The blacksmith asks " Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No" replied the man " ... but I've told a donkey to f**k off"