The Forum of Benfleet Running Club

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 163 Location: Eastwood

Heather Mills couldnt wait to spend her money!!!!!

Graham · Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 225

Heather Mills was described by the divorce judge this week as unbalanced. Sir Paul suggested a beer mat under her left leg usually does the trick.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 854 Location: Hockley

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his

Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,

but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that 's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad,
passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your

face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his

wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,

'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by

his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,

'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was

Now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog

For company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish

Priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'be saying' a mass

for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services

for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the

lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do

something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right awa y Father. Do ya' think $5, 000 is

enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why

didn't ya be tellin me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'
'Is he a m ember of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following

Conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I

picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a

motel, where I had s*x wi th each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would

like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient

man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm

Getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you

forget to zip down.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a

pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the

bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover,'into the closet!' and she

pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became

suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you ?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,'

the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little b*stards!'
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 854 Location: Hockley

It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add one minute
> to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5
> months in a nursing home at £2,500 per month.
>
>
> My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is
> now 97, and we don't know where she is.
>
>
> The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
> breathing again.
>
>
> I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a
> pound. Apparently you have to show up.
>
>
> I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out
> what I am doing.
>
>
> I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would
> have put them further up our body.
>
>
> I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
> me.
>
>
> I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
>
> The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
>
>
> If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small
> country.
>
>
> And last, but not least, I don't jog - I found it too hard to breathe
> and swallow my food at the same time.
>
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 854 Location: Hockley

Diet Questions Answered
>> ------------------------------------------
>> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
>> can prolong life; is this true?
>>
>> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
>> don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
>> Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
>> like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
>> faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>>
>>
>> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
>>
>> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
>> Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
>> nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
>> to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
>> source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop
>> can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
>> products.
>>
>>
>> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>>
>> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
>> wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so
>> you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also
>> made out of grain. Bottoms up!
>>
>>
>> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>>
>> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one
>> to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
>>
>>
>> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
>> exercise
>> program?
>>
>> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
>> Pain...Good!
>>
>>
>> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>>
>> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these
>> days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
>> could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
>>
>>
>> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
>> the middle?
>>
>> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
>> You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>>
>>
>> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>>
>> A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
>> It's the best feel-good food around!
>>
>>
>> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>>
>> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
>>
>>
>> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>>
>> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>>
>>
>> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
>> had about food and diets.
>>
>>
>> And remember:
>> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
>> arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
>> rather
>> to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the
>> other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
>> 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'
>>
>> AND......
>>
>> For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word
>> on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
>> those conflicting nutritional studies.
>>
>> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
>> than
>> Americans.
>>
>> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
>> than
>> Americans.
>>
>> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
>> attacks
>> than Americans.
>>
>> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
>> attacks than
>> Americans.
>>
>> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
>> fats and
>> suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>>
>> CONCLUSION
>>
>> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
>> kills
>> you.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

mikemoreton · Joined: 23 Apr 2007 Posts: 461 Location: Hockley, GORC.

Mike

Perfick!!!

Salut Mon Ami

MM2

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 854 Location: Hockley

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased;

he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,

he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,

because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job,

which is to collect honey from the South American bees.

As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage

- because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says

"What's the food like here?"

The lions say

"Absolutely brilliant.

Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 163 Location: Eastwood

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table ! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odo u r is offe nsive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 163 Location: Eastwood

Police have just arrested John Arne Risse on the M62.......

Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction!!

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 854 Location: Hockley

B & Q Warning

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

gmike · Joined: 26 Mar 2008 Posts: 68 Location: Benfleet

A man walks into a blacksmiths ... looking for a job

The blacksmith asks " Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No" replied the man " ... but I've told a donkey to f**k off"

rmlowery · Joined: 01 Apr 2008 Posts: 12 Location: Hullbridge

_________________
www.thevinylcountdown.com

rmlowery · Joined: 01 Apr 2008 Posts: 12 Location: Hullbridge

Whats big, blue and goes BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP?

Chelseas open top bus reversing back into the garage.
_________________
www.thevinylcountdown.com

Andy F · Joined: 21 Oct 2006 Posts: 109 Location: Hullbridge

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

Andy F · Joined: 21 Oct 2006 Posts: 109 Location: Hullbridge

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing
a long flowing white Robe. 'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave,
'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter.' Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me
back straight away.'

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Dave was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back
as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new
hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?' 'It's not so bad' replies
Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?' 'Never!' replies Dave. 'Well just relax and let it
happen'

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg
pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got
the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he
laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew
that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to
him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg
he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting... 'Dave, wake up you drunken bastard! You've shit the bed!'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 854 Location: Hockley

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure – right from Day One! – that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C%..........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

mikemoreton · Joined: 23 Apr 2007 Posts: 461 Location: Hockley, GORC.

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies!!

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 854 Location: Hockley

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
S*I*
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 163 Location: Eastwood

The Inland Revenue decide to audit Cyril, summon him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who is not surprised when Cyril arrives with his solicitor.

The auditor says: “Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment, and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise finds that explanation difficult to believe.”

“I am a great gambler and can prove it,” says Cyril. “Would you like a demonstration?”

The auditor considers this for a moment and agrees. Cyril says: “I bet you a thousand pounds I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks for a while, finally says: “It’s a bet.”

Cyril removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor looks sick.

“I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye,” says Cyril. The auditor can tell Cyril isn’t blind, so he accepts the bet. Cyril removes his false teeth and bites the good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost £3,000, with Cyril’s solicitor as a witness; he gets very nervous. “Double or nothing?” Cyril says. “I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on the righthand side of your desk and p1ss into the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but examines the proposal carefully. Cyril is not a tall man, the desk is eight foot wide; he decides there is simply no way Cyril could do that, so he agrees again.

Cyril stands at the side of the desk, unzips his trousers, strains for all he is worth but cannot make the stream reach the bin on the far side, and finishes up having urinated pretty well all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then notices that Cyril’s solicitor is moaning, with his head in his hands. “Are you okay?” asks the auditor.

“Not really,” says the solicitor. “This morning, when Cyril told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here, p1ss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet.”
_________________
Jez

www.justjez.co.uk

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 854 Location: Hockley

Blind Golfers

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an
Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him."

"Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they f*cking play at night?"
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'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

mikemoreton · Joined: 23 Apr 2007 Posts: 461 Location: Hockley, GORC.

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with
Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly
a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no,
it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 854 Location: Hockley

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE.... Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
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'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

rmlowery · Joined: 01 Apr 2008 Posts: 12 Location: Hullbridge

Letters to Viz.

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way,
such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door
with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I
told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this? Alun Daniel

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked
it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars. T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike
Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last
time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But
I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J
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www.thevinylcountdown.com

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 163 Location: Eastwood

The Fairy Tale.............

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,

did not whine, nag or bitch.........

But it was a long time ago.....

...and it was just the ONE day.

The End
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Jez

www.justjez.co.uk