The Forum of Benfleet Running Club

Pat M · Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 215 Location: Canvey Island

Mike (MM1) is perfectly right, I was looking for an excuse to give up! lol. You see, its not easy writing nonsense all the time, and there's a little part of me wants to grow up. You don't know what it's like struggling with it every day. Do I be silly or do I not? I'm in a constant state of flux. lol. I keep looking at Sean Connery and asking myself. 'Why can't I be like him?' And my biggest shock so far of today? That Karl with a K didn't ask me to keep writing. lol.

P.S. You little bloody liar, Stevie, you do too know all about internet porn!

P.P.S. I hope no one took me seriously when I blamed Mike's comments for quitting my nonsense. I love the banter it's just my enthusiasms been a bit low. Mike, would red indians do instead of pirates? One has to progress.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 953 Location: Hockley

Pat, Indians are ok as long as they are Pirate Indians. Don't feel aggrieved about Karl not reponding - he is away on his hols. Wait for his return.........

rgds
Mike
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pat M · Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 215 Location: Canvey Island

Don't worry, Mike, all my Indians come with compulsory eye patches and wooded legs..........I'll wait a long time on Karl responding he hates me hi-jacking his forum for my stories! lol. Great stuff!

Stevie · Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 413 Location: Benfleet

Pat - The only stuff i know is the stuff that you were telling me about over at the track the other week and thats the main reason we dont see you on club nights these days as you cant drag your self away from you PC due to all the porn - lol

Pat M · Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 215 Location: Canvey Island

That's the last time I confide in you!

Pat M · Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 215 Location: Canvey Island

Diary entry, 11 August: I'm just returned to my sleeping quarters, which consists of a hammock crammed between a long line of hammocks filled with heaving sweaty bodies. I'll quickly jot down all that's happened as I don't want to miss mess call. It seems my passage depends on my eating!
After leaving Captain Charman (Mem., for clarity, as there seems to be two Captains aboard, I'll call the ships master ((Captain Charman.)) Old Greybeard, and Captain Pat shall remain the same.) Captain Pat took it upon himself to be my guide. He escorted me to the engine room where I was most horrified, for in the centre of that room lay two huge treadmills. Upon the first was a lone jogger, and as he ran the treadmill, connected by some apparatus I don not understand, turned the paddle wheel, which in part comes inside the back of the vessel. The runner motioned to another fellow who I could only see from behind, and mistook at first for an aborigine on account of his dark skin. He brought the jogger a Bugweiser energy drink and a Havana cigar, which he chugged on most happily. From above came a shout for 'Sprint Speed!' and upon hearing this the dark fellow, whom it turns out is just well tanned, leapt onto the second treadmill and shouted. 'Let's hit it, Graham!,' to which Graham replied. 'Moo, Dessie, moo.' It was then I noticed two deckhands climbing into a pantomime cow suit, which they'd attached fake horns to. When they were dressed Graham motioned for Dessie to look over his shoulder, and when he saw the 'bull' his stride suddenly lengthened and he broke into a full gallop. Instantly the ship lurched to port before Graham got into his sride and caught up, still chugging on his cigar. As we sweat out way northward I am filled with trepidation as this seems to be my fate also!......

Note from Author: At this point I have temporarily lost control of the story due to director interference!

Mike the Director: 'Cut! Cut! Can everybody just stop what you're doing and hold it? You two luvvies, Graham and Dessie, get yourselves off to wardrobe and find some long dangly ear-rings. The curtain hoop type and a couple of bandanas for your heads. And can somebody pleeeease find an eye patch for the cow?, and maybe a wooden leg from props? And for heaven's sake, you in the front of the cow, can you moo a bit more piratey-like for Pete's sake? Okay, everybody in position. Hey, you over there, will ya get me some paracetamol? I'm getting one of my caffeine headaches.............Aaaaaaand, action!'

11 August - continued: Captain Pat has just called me and we are heading for the mess together. He's instructed me to eat as much as I can to keep my energy up. One thing has struck me as most queer. Captain Pat seems to be exempt from all ships duties!...........

Pat M · Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 215 Location: Canvey Island

We entered the ships mess not a moment too soon for there was a queue stretching from one end of the room to the other. A slight man sat behind a barrel and as the men passed they gave him some money before moving on. There was much I wanted to ask Captian Pat, who seemed to have acquired a wealth of knowledge in his short stay, but for the time being I would limit myself to just finding out the necessary, and so as we stood in line I asked him what was going on?, and how it was he had no ship's duties? There are his words as best I can recollect.

'I 'as no duties as I pays for me passage like any gent haut to, not like these poor swabs. You see to earn their keep they 'as to run and for this they is paid pieces of eight. They then uses this coinage to buy their vitals. The more they runs, the more they earns. Problem is the more they runs the more they eats and this costs 'em even more silver and so they is still as poor as a church mouse. It be a continuous loop as ya might say, eh? They do 'ave a little left over to be sure they do, but I relieves 'em of that as it's a canny one I am I freely admit. Fair!, but canny.'

By now we were by the fellow siting behind the barrel. Captain Pat told me this was first mate McCloud, the ships banker. McCloud took the runners silver as payment for their hammocks, dining mugs and general ware and tare on the vessel. He then marked it down in his ledger next to each runnners name or mark. Captian Pat was next and this was their exchange.

'Why if it aint me old rummy, first mate McCloud, the best 'and of any vessel I ever did sail upon, and that be more than one I can tell ya!'
'Piece of eight (50p.) for hammock, drinking mug and general ware and tare of vessel.'
'Why of course it is! I knows that and 'ere ya be. And may I says that's a fine 'air cut you 'as 'ad. Why whoever did that 'ad more 'an 'is fair share a grog the night afore I can tell.'
'Tea and biscuits that way. And that will be an extra piece of eight for all the scuffing your metal leg is doing to the deck.'
'And I makes you right an' all, for it do scuff up some and make no mistake. Why 'ere's your silver and I be 'appy to pays it too. Mabye you can give it to the ships barber to finish that 'air-do.'
'Next!'

Next was me but I had no money!.................

Pat M · Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 215 Location: Canvey Island

To my surprise Captain Pat staked me saying this.

'I'll anti up for ya, for I can tell by the cut of your jib you'll be good for it and then some. And I only asks a small percentage of your earnings for the loan. That's as fair an offer as you'll ever 'ave this side a Port Royal and you can boil my eyes in salt water if it be untrue. Now, 'ere's me 'and on it. Take it like the good sport I knows ya to be.'

I had little choice and we shook on it. First mate McCloud waved us on and we found ourselves at the far end of the room. Standing behind a long table was the ship's master, Old Grey Beard, who apparently doubled as ship's tea boy too, serving up the refreshments. Captain Pat stepped up and this is they're exchange.

'Harr, harr!, but it be the tea boy. And never a bigger under achiever did I ever see. Why a bucko of your years should be master of his own vessel and make no mistake about it!'
'I am the captain.'
'Why I knows that, course I do. Why I were just pullin' on your anchor chain.'
'Drink?'
'I thought you'd never ask. Inn Keeper I says, set me up a sassparilla, but not too much of your sass if ya please.'
'It's sarsaparilla. Tea, coffee or chocolate?'
'No point in askin' for rum I s'pose? No, for I never drinks on duty and I'll swear to that on me mother's grave should she ever pass over. And what's this? Salt biscuits? Why never saltier did I cast a weather eye upon. Baked 'em with your own little white 'ands I dare say too? For I can see you're a man not afraid to tie on a piny and be covered in bakin' soda and I likes ya all the more for it!'
'Next!'

Captain Pat dropped two pieces of eight in the tin and we moved off to a corner table. I asked him what he meant when he remarked earlier about relieving the runners of their earning?

'You shall see 'ow it is I gets 'old of their silver, for you'll no doubts be giving me your change afore long too I'll wager. Now sup up for you're gonna need all your strength, and there be no rush to thank me for being your provider either. Now tell me as you dine by my good 'eartedness 'ow come you be floatin' in the briny on a piece of driftwood?'.........