The Forum of Benfleet Running Club

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

THE LEPRECHAUN AND THE GOLFER

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a bigbump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want . . . a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic s*x life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer sta tes. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer s*x life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing
even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week.""What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic

Priest in a small Parish.

_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

Pat, is this old enough for you?
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car
pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male
driver "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver,
still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy "OK, I know what
you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies",
the driver offered. "NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long
sigh.

The boy replied, ":Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pat M · Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 215 Location: Canvey Island

You're getting bitter and twisted, Mike. I know why you don't like Skoda. It's because there advert shows them making a cake as big as a car and you're still sore about not getting a club birthday cake.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

Pat, you know how to press on an open sore don't you.... compress

rgds

Mike
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

One for Ernie:

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
>>> >After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
>>> >distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next
>>> >table turned to look at her.
>>> >
>>> >" Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie
>>> >
>>> >The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
>>> >
>>> >Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
>>> >
>>> >With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her
>>> >dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the
>>> >crack of her bum
>>> >
>>> >This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
>>> >obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
>>> >
>>> >Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
>>> >
>>> >Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
>>> >Hind
>>>
>>> >Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 178 Location: Eastwood

I got a new job with the samaritans last week.I tried to phone in sick today and they talked me out of it!

A wife phones her husband at work.He says "cant talk now im very busy."

"Oh this wont take long," she says. "I ve got good news and bad news."

Her husband says :"Just give me the good news then."

"Well," says the wife,"the airbag works.............."

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father .... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.

"The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did! You have no need to confess that.

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 178 Location: Eastwood

One for Karl.

NEWSFLASH....A man was found dead wearing the full West Ham home kit.Police have replaced it with bra, pants and suspenders to save his family any embarrasment!

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Andy F · Joined: 21 Oct 2006 Posts: 124 Location: Hullbridge

Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year
old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on
Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged
with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch
on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and
there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around"
he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.

I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a
pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
Looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin? F*ck me..... is it midnight already??"

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where
he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he
would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name, until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!

So what is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, come on... take a guess! Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

I remember weaving this into someones leaving speech in about 1995....still it will be a new one to Pat....

The Liverpool Manager goes to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4 - 0 down to Man United with only 20 minutes left. The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted. The players and the coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4 - 0 down but I scored 5, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".

"Wonderful, says his Mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time!".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry? Bit late to be sorry?" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT........................
Brilliant !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg5HsG7AN1Y
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

mArKw · Joined: 15 May 2006 Posts: 247 Location: Benfleet

PETER KAY ONE-LINERS

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

Cool

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Cool

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Cool

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

1 Cool

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
_________________
The hills are alive........

mArKw · Joined: 15 May 2006 Posts: 247 Location: Benfleet

Songs of Praise with Subtitles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-ZnPE3G_YY

You will need sound to get the full effect.

One of the funniest things I have seen on You Tube.....

Mark
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The hills are alive........

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

In the news today a 13 year old boy road his bicycle into Paris and was
declared the tour champion. All the competitors having been eliminated
they had no choice. When asked what he thought the boy replied "I'm
just here to return my library book. Don't tell my mom I won, she'll
think I'm on drugs!"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Jez · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 178 Location: Eastwood

Come on let him sign for a decent club......

The contract looks pretty good to me.

Stu · Joined: 01 Mar 2007 Posts: 25

When examining Mr Tevez's contract in full size, perhaps I can now understand what lured him to West Ham in the first place

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyqEPgRc6IE
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

Subject: Heightened Threat Levels In Europe

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

Inventive mind

A MAN went to the patent office to register some of my inventions. At the main desk, a woman asked him what he had invented.

He said, "A folding bottle."

The woman replied, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A farton."

The woman sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds rather crude."

The man was so upset that he left the office without even telling the woman about his folding bucket.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

Subject: TOP GEAR - Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum, it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a Bath together. With a Lightning Jet Fighter. And lots of jelly.

"(about Porsche Cayman S) there are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."

"The last time someone was wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."

"America: 250 million w*****s living in a country with no word for w*****s."

On the Alfa Romeo Brera…. "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxter - "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pigs bottom"

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "There is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and it's not "soot"
Hammond: "So it's not fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson: "Oh no….losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"Some say that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realises that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood organs……….all we know, is that he's called the STIG!"

"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with a Ethiopian Transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary….That's what gets you."

"The air-conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw"

"Koenisgsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what….BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler" (Fed up during the Caravanning Trip) "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within tow feed of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Expace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying" oh good, I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

(Mercedes CLS55) "Braking in this car is so brutal. It would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand Bus Lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker that I do?"

Clarksons highway code on Cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatched faced, leaf-eating C**t"

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe….probably because they don't have a wheel-chair access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal. I mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On mandel"s claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela, why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now as we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show….so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of

them all"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see, I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: This is 600 lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the Tailgate…."

"I would still but the DB( over this, and save myself 60,000 pounds. The problem with this care is its gearbox, it's just…."
Hammond: "THAT bad is it?"
Ckarkson: "Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days, I always got the impression that TVR build a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson: "You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved….for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching….on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work."

"It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British Hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the Tweed. I do, and it helps."

"You can't have this car with a diesel, it's like saying, I wont go to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"

"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car….in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds that this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
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'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pammie · Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 284

This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she

asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to

get together with my dear departed husband? He

died 17 years ago."

Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John

Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people

by their last words. Do you happen to remember what

his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes!

I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with

another man after he was gone, he would roll over

in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Spinning John Smith!"
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I'll put something interesting here when i've thought of something, in the meantime heres some music.

Karl C · Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 1583 Location: Rayleigh

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl,
bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the
right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up...
you know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Good Evening?" the woman says.
Wow! She sounded hot.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it
hot, and I want it now. I'm like talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got
in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up,
wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That Sounds Fantastic... but for an outside line, Sir, you
need to press 9."

Mike Mason · Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 901 Location: Hockley

Brilliant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI&mode=related&search
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Graham · Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 230

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!"

Andy F · Joined: 21 Oct 2006 Posts: 124 Location: Hullbridge

Camilla's New Shoes

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly
tighter and
tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to
their
room, she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour,
but
it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody
tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Philip,
"See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Philip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man."

Graham · Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 230

Charles was returning from a shopping trip to Windsor market. On a bric a brac stall he’d picked up an antique lamp, which the seller had told him was a magic lamp, and that a genie resided in its depths. He was sceptical but bought it anyway as he thought it’d make a nice gift for Camilla. Driving up Windsor drive in his Range Rover, day dreaming about nothing in particular he is suddenly startled by a large bump and a whelp. Throwing on the brakes he checks his rear mirror and sees a pile of fur and blood in the middle of the road. He dashes out the vehicle to find one of his mum’s corgis creamed across the tarmac. It’s in a terrible state, one wheel has broken its front legs, its spine two places, crushed its rib cage which is protruding from its flank and mashed its hind quarters. Its intestines are spread out in a pool and its liver has been squeezed out through a rent in its underside. It’s bleeding profusely from its crushed snout, one eye is hanging from the socket and the severe trauma has caused it to excrete into its horrific wounds. Charles is mortified. Not for the Corgi, but the trouble he’s going to be in with his mum. What to do!! And then he spies on the parcel shelf of his 4x4 his newly acquired magic lamp.
“Well, worth a try” he thinks.
He grabs the lamp, rubs it vigorously and sure enough out pops a genie.
“I am the Genie of the lamp, and you are my master” it declares. “As such I will grant you one wish”.
Charles shows the genie the corgi “It’s my mum’s favourite, she hates me enough already, if she finds out I killed little Brandy she’ll never bloody abdicate, you must save it”.
“Your wish is my command!” The genie glides across to the poor corgi and concentrates all its mystic abilities. But the seconds tick by and nothing happens. Eventually the genie turns to Charles.
“I am sorry my master, this wretched creatures injuries are such that even my awesome powers cannot revive it. I have failed thee, and will grant you another wish”.
“Bugger!” thinks Charles. He ponders for a while and then turns to the genie and requests “OK, can you make Camilla look like Pamela Anderson?“
The genie pauses for a second, looks Charles right in the eye, and replies “Let’s have another look at that corgi shall we.”