The Forum of Benfleet Running Club

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

OK," said the old Jewish Man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the East for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he staggered back.

"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."

_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

OK," said the old Jewish Man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the East for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he staggered back.

"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Graham · #3 Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 395

It was funnier the first time.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

oops sorry Graham....must be something to do with a fault in the web setup....Karl, what the flaming hell is going on? ....Karl, what the flaming hell is going on?
....Karl, what the flaming hell is going on?
....Karl, what the flaming hell is going on? .
...Karl, what the flaming hell is going on?

etc
etc etc
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Karl C · Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 8:27 am Post subject:

Mike, typing stuff twice is either deja-vu or dementia...you pick !

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

Why is there no Disneyland in China? Because there's no one tall enough to go on any of the good rides.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Pepper spray will do that to you.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are caring, sensitive and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

TELLING STORIES
Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go Into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting
that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
going to the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mummy cut him off and said,
"Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save The rest of
it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face When you tell
it tonight." At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look And he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy Started doing the same
thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
MORAL:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

1)What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 20kgs.
2)A blonde, brunette and redhead are all in year nine. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde cos she's eighteen.
3)A man wakes up after surgery and screams at the doctor. 'Doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor says. 'Don't worry, that's normal, I amputated your arms.'

Beat those MM1.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Damn you Pat......the gauntlet is thrown

rgds

Mike

watch this space
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

mikemoreton · Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 6:38 pm Post subject:

Yeah!!! Watch this space!!

mikemoreton · Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 6:45 pm Post subject:

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.

So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

I'm watching, MM1. All I've got is a joke from MM2 that's older than the Indians he's talking about.
Lots of love, Pat.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

mikemoreton · Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:10 am Post subject:

Well, lets try again then:

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame.. what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

A little boy asks his mother. 'Mum, what's a willy?'
Mum replies. 'It's the dangly bit between a man's legs.'
The little boy says. 'Mum, what's a c**t?'
His mum replies. 'That's the rest of him.'

I'm finding MM1 and MM2 a bit confusing with the mix of letters and numbers. So how about if Mike Mason could become Mr Mike Mason, and Mike Moreton stay the same thus doing away with the numericals. Could you let me, Mr Pat Muldoon, know while I eat my chocolate peanuts?
To summarize: If MM1/MMM and MM2/MM could contact MPM while I eat my M&M's that would be great. There, doesn't that seem much simplified?

P.S. Where's my friggin' Island?

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Pat, the loss of the island is down to Karl's lack of attention to archiving - a great loss to the known and civilised world (ie excludes Rayleigh).

Yes Mike Moretons arrival has handicapped things however he provided me with biscuits to make up for my stolen ones. Would have said this was indeed a 'caring club - my arse' if I had received customary birthday cake. However, I digress:

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with
girls.
- You know, my son, I didn't care too much about that detail, but that
should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?

rgds

Mr Mike Mason
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore

boom boom
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Karl C · Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 10:47 pm Post subject:

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

Mike, you need to condense Mr Mike Mason to MMM, thus MM1 becomes MMM (no numericals). The other Mike, MM2, becomes just MM (no numericals). This is shorter than you typing Mr Mike Mason all the time and won't give MM2/MM a complex about not being number 1. I hope this is clearer than before where I started talking about peanuts which obviously confused you.

Lots of love. Pat. xxx

P.S. Where's my friggin' Island?

P.P.S. Karlycrow, there's no such person as MM1, see above.

mikemoreton · Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 6:12 am Post subject:

I kinda liked being MM2

:hmph:

Karl C · Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:41 am Post subject:

hear hear MM2,

bring back MM1 and MM2.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

A woman meets a man in a bar.................................

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to
his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that
one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly
teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering
the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to
lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of
thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears
all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of
the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the
top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have
such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this
to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after
awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be
the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns
to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he
romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She
is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of
raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in
the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks
coyly, "Well,how was it?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Stu · #1 Joined: 01 Mar 2007 Posts: 40

I recently purchased Steve Irwin's wetsuit from Ebay, but it's got a bloody hole in it.

Do you reckon I've been stung?

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Brilliant Stu. You are going to be a worthy poster to this forum .....

rgds

Mike
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

Your right, Mr Mike Mason/MM1/MMM, it was a good one and your own wasn't bad either.

I rang up the local swimming baths and said. 'Is that the local swimming pool?' The voice on the line said. 'Depends where you're calling from.'

Love, Pat/Mr Pat Muldoon/MPM.

P.S. Where's my friggin' Island?!

mikemoreton · Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 8:24 pm Post subject:

Pat,

What am i missing here? besides your island?

Whats that all about?

MM2

Karl C · Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 8:26 pm Post subject:

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy."

Stevie · #3 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 452 Location: Benfleet

Mike you don’t want to know

Pat use to run with the club until he couldn’t handle the pressure of running with the fast boys, and realised he was better at writing short stories on the forum

Surely its time for a new story now Pat, are you ever going to get back into running again?

Anyway getting off topic here.

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

Will you listen to the cheek of the upstart? Considers himself a 'fast boy' and he can't even walk with his over advertised shins thread. I'm surprised it's not called 'Steve's Shins', to personalize it a bit more. And then the urchin says, 'You don't want to know, Mike', in response to Mikes question. Well I beg to differ, so, MM2/MM, it all began like this. Once upon a time.........Actually he might have a point. You don't want to know. lol.

P.S. I think Karlycrow might have sourced my jokes, not sure....Hmm?

P.P.S. Where's me friggin' Island?!

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Pat, I think apart from you, I must have been the only that loved the island.

It was surreal. It brought a touch of class to this great 'caring club - my arse..' A point of connection to reality in this existential wilderness we call life or.....Rayleigh.

Any chance you can start up another main thread on Muldoons Island and naff off out of this one where Karl has just dumped a Tommy Cooper...the cad...

rgds

MM1
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Stevie · #3 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 452 Location: Benfleet

lol - I was just going to call it 'My Shins' but changed my mind.

I agree Mike, I too miss the Muldoons Island, it gave me something to look forward to when I got into work in the mornings, reading the next instalment

Karl C · Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 10:12 pm Post subject:

Karl C · Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 7:53 am Post subject:

Never let it be said I stand in the way of Pat's creative juices.......

http://benfleetrunningclub.myfastforum.org/forum28.php

(just remember the libel laws this time !)

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

MM1, you too spotted the Karlycrow Tommy Cooper insert. Mind you after the jokes you've been posting you can't really complain. You'll have to stop going to the library and checking out that 1952 copy of the Beano. And did you see what he said about my Island? To quote, 'long and tedious'. Can you believe such an exaggeration? And he has the temerity to warn me about the 'libel laws'.

A SHORT STORY. (Completely true and not exaggerated.)
For my fortieth the Club did me the most wonderful Birthday Cake. It was so big we had to leave it outside and we ate it there. After everyone had had seconds there was still loads leftover so we decided to give it to all the schools in Essex. (That's infant, junior and senior.) The kids dined on it for a month but there was still loads left. The school children got together and decided that for a school project they would send it to the poor countries in the world and feed them.
Now there are one billion people in India and two billion people in China but by God those kids made sure every last one of them got a piece of my Birthday Cake. Well those little yellow skins and brown skins thrived on it. They were so energized that they began to rebuild their countries. Trade now is booming and the economy soaring so fast that soon China will be the greatest Super Power in the world. And all because of my Birthday Cake from the caring Benfleet Running Club.
Now it would be rude of me if at this point I didn't ask MM1 how much he liked his Club Birthday Cake? :blackeye:

:cherry:

:faroah:

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Pat, hi. A truly moving story.. I now know why Karl hates you and sunk the Island......

rgds

Mike

ps - get posting the Muldoons again - 'shivers me timber, avhast their you land lubbers'...sorry MM2 you won't understand the significance of that.......but oh my God you will..
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie Engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

“I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total”, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, “I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”

POOOOFF! With The blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state.”

POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.”

The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, “Fill it with water.”
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

Keep taking the pills, MM1.

A barber has a sign over the door. It reads.......
'I give three kinds of haircut. Good, cheap or fast. You can choose any two of the three.
1) If you choose cheap and good, it will not be fast.
2) If you choose good and fast, it will not be cheap.
2) If you choose cheap and fast it will not be good.

Up the rebels!!!

mikemoreton · Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:34 pm Post subject:

and the punchline is.........................

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

There wasn't a punchline, MM2.
Regards. MPM1.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Pat, I am with MM2 - that is the crappest 'joke' ever posted surely...unless there were previous references to West Ham etc...
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

I know it wasn't very good, Mike, but I want to give you a chance.
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

mikemoreton · Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 3:57 pm Post subject:

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife "Ya
know sumptin´, womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire
Station...
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we´s ready to go.

So from now on womon, when I say ´Bell one´, I want you to strip naked.

When I say ´ Bell two´, you jump on de bed.
When I say ´ Bell three´, we´s gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night he came home and shouted:
"Bell One!", and his wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two!", and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three!", and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out "Bell Four!".

"WOMON... What da hell is ´Bell Four´?", he asked.

She replied
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN´T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!!!!"

Karl C · Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 4:34 pm Post subject:

One man's hobby was running, he spent all his weekends on the park trails, paying no attention to weather.

One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the park as usual.
It was still dark, cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
"What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes," she replied "but my idiot husband still went running!"

Anna Spanner · #1 Joined: 31 Jul 2006 Posts: 57 Location: Benfleet

Why did the monkey get lost in the Jungle?

Because the jungle is f*CKing HUGE! :laughing8:

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Tony Blair falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Blair.

"I'm sorry ... But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ... Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Blair with a frosty drink, "Have a

tequila and relax, Tony!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Blair, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Blair takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education,Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Blair steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Blair is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Blair reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down,all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Blair and puts an arm around his shoulder."I don't understand," stammers a shocked Tony, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

What is the most deadly insect in the world?
The hepatitus bee.

Look at the length of my jokes, then look at above. And they say i'm long winded.
Over and out.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Pat, yes I would agree..a tad verbose in the Muldoon manner but it is clever, funny and witty unlike the beek joke which I still don't get

kisses

Mike
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

ok so it wasn't a 'beek' and yes I get it....

_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Visiting a barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

College Writing
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

Smart Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to th! e moon? " The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.