The Forum of Benfleet Running Club

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

THE LEPRECHAUN AND THE GOLFER

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a bigbump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want . . . a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic s*x life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer sta tes. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer s*x life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing
even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week.""What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic

Priest in a small Parish.

_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Pat, is this old enough for you?
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car
pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male
driver "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver,
still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy "OK, I know what
you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies",
the driver offered. "NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long
sigh.

The boy replied, ":Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pat M · #2 Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Canvey Island

You're getting bitter and twisted, Mike. I know why you don't like Skoda. It's because there advert shows them making a cake as big as a car and you're still sore about not getting a club birthday cake.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Pat, you know how to press on an open sore don't you....

rgds

Mike
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

One for Ernie:

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
>>> >After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
>>> >distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next
>>> >table turned to look at her.
>>> >
>>> >" Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie
>>> >
>>> >The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
>>> >
>>> >Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
>>> >
>>> >With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her
>>> >dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the
>>> >crack of her bum
>>> >
>>> >This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
>>> >obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
>>> >
>>> >Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
>>> >
>>> >Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
>>> >Hind
>>>
>>> >Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Jez · #2 Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 291 Location: Eastwood

I got a new job with the samaritans last week.I tried to phone in sick today and they talked me out of it!

A wife phones her husband at work.He says "cant talk now im very busy."

"Oh this wont take long," she says. "I ve got good news and bad news."

Her husband says :"Just give me the good news then."

"Well," says the wife,"the airbag works.............."

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father .... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.

"The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did! You have no need to confess that.

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Jez · #2 Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 291 Location: Eastwood

One for Karl.

NEWSFLASH....A man was found dead wearing the full West Ham home kit.Police have replaced it with bra, pants and suspenders to save his family any embarrasment!

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Andy F · #2 Joined: 21 Oct 2006 Posts: 272 Location: Hullbridge

Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year
old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on
Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged
with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch
on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and
there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around"
he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.

I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a
pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
Looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin? F*ck me..... is it midnight already??"

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where
he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he
would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name, until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!

So what is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, come on... take a guess! Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

I remember weaving this into someones leaving speech in about 1995....still it will be a new one to Pat....

The Liverpool Manager goes to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4 - 0 down to Man United with only 20 minutes left. The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted. The players and the coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4 - 0 down but I scored 5, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".

"Wonderful, says his Mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time!".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry? Bit late to be sorry?" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT........................
Brilliant !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg5HsG7AN1Y
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

mArKw · #2 Joined: 15 May 2006 Posts: 291 Location: Benfleet

PETER KAY ONE-LINERS

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

1

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
_________________
The hills are alive........

mArKw · #2 Joined: 15 May 2006 Posts: 291 Location: Benfleet

Songs of Praise with Subtitles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-ZnPE3G_YY

You will need sound to get the full effect.

One of the funniest things I have seen on You Tube.....

Mark
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The hills are alive........

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

In the news today a 13 year old boy road his bicycle into Paris and was
declared the tour champion. All the competitors having been eliminated
they had no choice. When asked what he thought the boy replied "I'm
just here to return my library book. Don't tell my mom I won, she'll
think I'm on drugs!"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Jez · #2 Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 291 Location: Eastwood

Come on let him sign for a decent club......

The contract looks pretty good to me.

Stu · #1 Joined: 01 Mar 2007 Posts: 40

When examining Mr Tevez's contract in full size, perhaps I can now understand what lured him to West Ham in the first place

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyqEPgRc6IE
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Subject: Heightened Threat Levels In Europe

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Inventive mind

A MAN went to the patent office to register some of my inventions. At the main desk, a woman asked him what he had invented.

He said, "A folding bottle."

The woman replied, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A farton."

The woman sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds rather crude."

The man was so upset that he left the office without even telling the woman about his folding bucket.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Subject: TOP GEAR - Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum, it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a Bath together. With a Lightning Jet Fighter. And lots of jelly.

"(about Porsche Cayman S) there are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."

"The last time someone was wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."

"America: 250 million w*****s living in a country with no word for w*****s."

On the Alfa Romeo Brera…. "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxter - "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pigs bottom"

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "There is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and it's not "soot"
Hammond: "So it's not fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson: "Oh no….losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"Some say that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realises that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood organs……….all we know, is that he's called the STIG!"

"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with a Ethiopian Transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary….That's what gets you."

"The air-conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw"

"Koenisgsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what….BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler" (Fed up during the Caravanning Trip) "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within tow feed of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Expace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying" oh good, I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

(Mercedes CLS55) "Braking in this car is so brutal. It would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand Bus Lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker that I do?"

Clarksons highway code on Cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatched faced, leaf-eating C**t"

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe….probably because they don't have a wheel-chair access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal. I mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On mandel"s claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela, why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now as we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show….so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of

them all"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see, I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: This is 600 lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the Tailgate…."

"I would still but the DB( over this, and save myself 60,000 pounds. The problem with this care is its gearbox, it's just…."
Hammond: "THAT bad is it?"
Ckarkson: "Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days, I always got the impression that TVR build a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson: "You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved….for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching….on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work."

"It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British Hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the Tweed. I do, and it helps."

"You can't have this car with a diesel, it's like saying, I wont go to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"

"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car….in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds that this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Pammie · #3 Joined: 01 Jul 2006 Posts: 385

This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she

asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to

get together with my dear departed husband? He

died 17 years ago."

Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John

Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people

by their last words. Do you happen to remember what

his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes!

I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with

another man after he was gone, he would roll over

in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Spinning John Smith!"
_________________
I'll put something interesting here when i've thought of something, in the meantime heres some music.

Karl C · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:38 am Post subject:

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl,
bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the
right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up...
you know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Good Evening?" the woman says.
Wow! She sounded hot.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it
hot, and I want it now. I'm like talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got
in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up,
wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That Sounds Fantastic... but for an outside line, Sir, you
need to press 9."

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Brilliant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI&mode=related&search
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Graham · #3 Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 395

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!"

Andy F · #2 Joined: 21 Oct 2006 Posts: 272 Location: Hullbridge

Camilla's New Shoes

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly
tighter and
tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to
their
room, she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour,
but
it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody
tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Philip,
"See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Philip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man."

Graham · #3 Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 395

Charles was returning from a shopping trip to Windsor market. On a bric a brac stall he’d picked up an antique lamp, which the seller had told him was a magic lamp, and that a genie resided in its depths. He was sceptical but bought it anyway as he thought it’d make a nice gift for Camilla. Driving up Windsor drive in his Range Rover, day dreaming about nothing in particular he is suddenly startled by a large bump and a whelp. Throwing on the brakes he checks his rear mirror and sees a pile of fur and blood in the middle of the road. He dashes out the vehicle to find one of his mum’s corgis creamed across the tarmac. It’s in a terrible state, one wheel has broken its front legs, its spine two places, crushed its rib cage which is protruding from its flank and mashed its hind quarters. Its intestines are spread out in a pool and its liver has been squeezed out through a rent in its underside. It’s bleeding profusely from its crushed snout, one eye is hanging from the socket and the severe trauma has caused it to excrete into its horrific wounds. Charles is mortified. Not for the Corgi, but the trouble he’s going to be in with his mum. What to do!! And then he spies on the parcel shelf of his 4x4 his newly acquired magic lamp.
“Well, worth a try” he thinks.
He grabs the lamp, rubs it vigorously and sure enough out pops a genie.
“I am the Genie of the lamp, and you are my master” it declares. “As such I will grant you one wish”.
Charles shows the genie the corgi “It’s my mum’s favourite, she hates me enough already, if she finds out I killed little Brandy she’ll never bloody abdicate, you must save it”.
“Your wish is my command!” The genie glides across to the poor corgi and concentrates all its mystic abilities. But the seconds tick by and nothing happens. Eventually the genie turns to Charles.
“I am sorry my master, this wretched creatures injuries are such that even my awesome powers cannot revive it. I have failed thee, and will grant you another wish”.
“Bugger!” thinks Charles. He ponders for a while and then turns to the genie and requests “OK, can you make Camilla look like Pamela Anderson?“
The genie pauses for a second, looks Charles right in the eye, and replies “Let’s have another look at that corgi shall we.”

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

QUIZMANIA (ITV)

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.

Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.

Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous
film festival every year?

Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.

Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?

Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University
is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A
Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the
part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first
name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide
hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In
which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers'
and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who
will be very upset with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey
Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison,
or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the
Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it
Jewish?

THE WEAKEST LINK

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads
meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV
comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?

Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA

Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front
of 'clock'.

Contestant: Grandfather.

Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say
something else.

Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in
the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy
assassinated?

Contestant: Erm . . .

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see
1964.

Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.

Tufnell: Higher!

Contestant: Five.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form
a word - CHED

and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country
in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any
countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW

Presenter: How many toes would three people have in
total?

Contestant: 23.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is
it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)

Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose
name includes the letter 'e'.

Contestant: Ghana.

Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic
Ocean.

Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also
the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to
an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called
Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the
Eighth ... er ... er ... three?

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid,
liquid and what?

Contestant: Jelly.

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)

Allinson: What international brand shares its name with
the Greek goddess of victory?

Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

BLIND DATE (ITV)

Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.

Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you
didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ... Mexico?

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?

Contestant: Enid Blyton

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt
and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing
what?

Contestant: Basketball.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ

Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?

Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er . . .

Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I .
. .

Contestant: Walked?

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast
of which sea:a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?

Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out
the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish
Sea.

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition
where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1

Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow
up to 80 tonnes?

Contestant: Ummm . . .

Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.

Contestant: Shark.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which
jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Karl C · Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 10:38 am Post subject:

Mike, I didn't realise you had been on so many TV Programmes ?

mikemoreton · Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 11:15 am Post subject:

Too funny!!

We want more!!!

Pammie · #3 Joined: 01 Jul 2006 Posts: 385

More ... More ...

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.

The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH MY GOD!!" screams the lawyer.

"WHERE'S MY ROLEX?!"
_________________
I'll put something interesting here when i've thought of something, in the meantime heres some music.

Andy F · #2 Joined: 21 Oct 2006 Posts: 272 Location: Hullbridge

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin
was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with
the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've
never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single
line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "that first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

Well, who is in the second coffin? "

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked
and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

An Oirish Story. An Irishman goes to
the Doctor with botty problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya
at teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and
takes a look. "Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10
pound note appears. "This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you
want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the
patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another And another and another, etc..... Finally the last note comes out
and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just
out of interest, How moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of
cash and says "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the
Irishman
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
> I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
>
>
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Bet you cant guess who?? · Joined: 23 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Subject: Confessional
>
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional
> and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with
> another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean,
> almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed
> and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The
> priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as
> putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
> For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
> in the poor box." The Irishman left the
> confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
> over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and
> then started to leave. The priest, who was
> watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
> That.You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The
> Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the
> box, and according to you, that's the same as
> putting it in!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> There once was a religious young woman who
> went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional,
> she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
> said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The
> young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
> passionate love to me seven times." The priest
> thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
> lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The
> young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my
> sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile
off of your face."
>
>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
> with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog
> died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
> "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
> poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid
> not; we cannot have services for an animal in the
> church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
> and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe
> they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon
> said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough
> to donate to them for the service?"
> Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary,
> Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was
> Catholic?
>
>
>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> An elderly man walks into a confessional the
> following conversation ensues:
> Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife
> of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great
> grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
> We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
> three times."
> Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
> Man: "What sins?"
> Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
> Man:"I'm Jewish."
> Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
> Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this
> coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope.
> "It's is a worrying side effect of losing to Fiji, foot and mouth, with
> the country side closed off and so many dead sheep, our women are bound to

> be getting a bit more attention" said Gwyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan
> Health Trust.
>
> The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are
> overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep
> farming in Wales for good. "It's wonderful All the women in our village
> are getting some at the moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh munter.
>
>
Little Dai
> Little Dai was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the
> children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came

> up;-
>
> Fireman, policeman, salesman, politician; Dai was being
> uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father
>
> "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
> in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out

> with a man, rent a cheap room and let them shag him."
>
> The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and

> then took Little Dai aside.
>
> She asked him, "Is that really true about your father?"
>
> "No," said Dai, "My father plays rugby for Wales, but I was just too
> embarrassed to say".
>
>
> The Welsh Jersey
> Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in an Welsh rugby
> jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to
> save his family from the embarrassment.
>
>
> Clumsy Kid
> In 1983 three kids were playing in the street in Cardiff when they were
> hit by a bus. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't
> supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was
> not your time. To make it up to you I'll let you choose what you want to
> do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there and as

> you're flying back down to Earth shout out what you want to do. And so it
> shall be."
>
> The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts, "Lawyer" and so, 20 years
> later he is a very successful lawyer making lots of money with an upcoming

> appointment to the Bench.
>
> The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts, "Brain surgeon" and so, 20 years
> later he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton

> of money saving lives.
>
> The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own
> feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering, "Stupid clumsy arsehole." 20
> years later he's playing scrum half for Wales.
>
>
>
>
>
> Take your positions
> Gareth Jenkins takes the Welsh team out for a training run and first up he

> tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand
> behind they goalposts and wait for the conversion.
>
>
>
>
>
> Custody
> A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today. The boy

> has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody

> to his aunt.
>
> The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and

> refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his
> grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
>
> Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to
> choose who should have custody of him.
>
> In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the Welsh Rugby team
> as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.
>
>
>
> Snow White
> Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down. Distraught,

> she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting,

> "Wales for the World Cup, Wales for the World Cup, Wales for the World
> Cup." On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew

> that at least Dopey was safe.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

This incident took place in Dublin awhile ago and although it sounds
like an
Alfred Hitchcock take, it's true according to local townspeople.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side
of the
road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was
so severe
he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in
sight and
John was beginning to panic. Suddenly, he saw headlights
approaching. The
car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him.
Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into
the car
and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody
behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road
ahead and
knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car
would go
over the embankment, John started to pray for his life. Just before
the car
hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and
turned the
wheel. John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the
hand
repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed
him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead. Gathering
all his
strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the
Pub.
Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everyone
about the horrible experience just had. A silence enveloped the Pub
when
everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to
escape the
stormy night. They, like John, were soaking wet and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the
other, "Look Paddy, there's that feckin' eejit that got in our car while we
were pushing it."
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Bloke goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, it hurts when I press here, here and here".

The doctor says "yes, you've broken your finger".
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his
father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for the Ospreys!'.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried,the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "you gonna try again"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

The Rrrrrrregiment has decided...........

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.

'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?'

'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna,
places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by
an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll have a new one.'
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife

"They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S ONLY HALF THE PRICE"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

At dawn the telephone rings:

'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?'

'From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor'

'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire'

'What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed by fire?

'Yes Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike
Driver.'

SILENCE...................

LONG SILENCE...............

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!'
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself.........

"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for. "

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:" Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth as Silk?"

This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the f *** do you want?"

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!"
_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.

Mike Mason · #7 Joined: 02 Jun 2006 Posts: 1055 Location: Hockley

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around and sees a beautiful diamond bracelet.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman didn't witness her little 'accident',
she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price

_________________
'sometimes I am running so fast it appears that rocks and trees are standing still......' 'I may be slow, but you are ugly and I can train harder.' '90% is mental, the other half is physical'it's going to get a lot worse, before it gets worse'.