Jokes

Pat M · Jokes

An African gold miner looses a leg in an accident. He says to his mate, 'i'm screwed now, who's gonna want a one legged gold digger?'
His mate replies, 'try Paul McCartney.'

icon_biggrin.gif" alt="Very Happy" border="0" />

Pat M

A man walks into a pub and sees another man at the bar with his dog lying at his feet. The dog has its head bent right round and is licking its privates. He walks up to the guy at the bar and says. 'Cor, i wish i could do that.'
The dog owner looks at him and says. 'Give him a biscuit and he might let you!' Shocked

Karl C

So this guy was getting married and the women he was marrying had a hot sister who would always be wearing short skirts and thongs and would always bend down infront of him to pick up things that she "dropped".

so one time she said "hey no one is home lets go upstairs and do it." she went upstairs and threw her thong back down to him and said "if your not up here in 5 min u just passed up the best chance u will ever get at doing it." so the guy walked out side and was hugged by his future father-in-law who said "you passed! welcome to the family!"

morale:always leave your condoms in your car

Karl C

TICKET TO PARIS £ 400

TICKET FOR THE GAME £ 90

FACE PAINT AND JESTERS HAT £ 10

SEEING HENRY CHOKE BIG STYLE,
BLAME EVERYONE BUT HIMSELF,
AND THEN F@!K OFF TO PLAY FOR THE WINNERS….

ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS !!

Graham

Why did the baker have brown hands....because he kneaded a poo.

Steffan

A prawn went to a nightclub..........

And pulled...........

a MUSSELL!

Simon C

Little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

Simon C

A Jelly bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few
beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?"
The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my
head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look
after you."
So Jelly Bean says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off
they went.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he
sees them, Smartie hides under the table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly
Bean and starts kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes
his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were
going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are bl00dy menthol"

Pat M

A woman with no dates and not getting any sex decided to go to a sex therapist to seek some help. On entering his office Dr Chung takes one look at her and shouts. 'Quickly, take off all your clothes, get on your hands and knees and crawl across the room.' The woman obliges and the doctor says. 'I know your problem. You have Ed Zachary desease. Vaywe, Vaywe bad case too!'. The woman askes what is Ed Zachary desease. Dr Chung replies. 'Your head looks Ed Zachary like your a**e!'

Simon C

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
'We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,' she said,
'ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?'

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, 'Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?'

Simon C

Four brothers Milton, Marvin, Mervyn, and Melvin left home for university, and they all went on to became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar home theatre built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it!"

After the holidays Mom sent out her 'Thank You' notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Mervyn, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Pat M

A man in a bar sees a gorgous bird. He watches her from his table next to his. Suddenly she looks up and the surprise of seeing him staring causes her glass eye to pop out and it shoots right at him. His hand automatically snatches it out of the air and he hands it back.
She can't thank him enough and he joins her as she cleans her eye on a napkin and pops it back in. Well they get on tremendously and they chat and joke and laugh. A little later he askes her. 'Do you click like this with every guy you meet?'........... 'No,' she says, 'you just caught my eye.'

Kirstefitbird · A sick joke..

2 bags of sick are walking down the road.

1 bag looks down an alley way and starts crying...

"What's wrong?" asked the first bag....

The second bag sniffles......

"That's where I was brought up"

Pat M

Kirste, that jokes sick.

Simon C

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think.......I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old arse?"

Your name never came up," she replied

Simon C

FEMALE COMPASSION...

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach . He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been f****d?" The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"

She said "You will be when the tide comes in".

Pat M

After his break up with Heather, Paul MaCartney was asked if he'd ever consider going down on one knee again? Paul replied he would rather we called her Heather. lol.

Pat M

A vampire bat returns to its cave with blood dripping from it's lips and smeared over it's face. It goes off to sleep but the others smell the blood and demand to know where he got it. He shrugs them off but they persist and won't let him sleep so he says, 'okay, follow me.'
He takes them down the hillside across the river and into a dark forest. 'See that tree over there?' he says. 'Yes!' they all reply excitedly. 'Well i frigging didn't!' he says. lol.

Terry T

A set of jump-leads walks into a bar.The barman says"I'll serve you-but don't start anything!"

Pat M

Terry, you're only supposed to post jokes here. lol.

Karl C

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited
one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy'"

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would
call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a
quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would be a
tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me
why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident
either."

Stress Head

A male patient is lying in bed in hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask."Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,Sir.I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may eleviate his vitals from worry, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.She raises his gown,holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then,she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much.That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely..............

ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?"

mArKw

Two young ladies were walking home from work one Friday. As they passed a florist's shop, one turned to the other and said, "Don't look now, but isn't that your boyfriend in there?"
"Oh dear, yes it is," came the reply.
"What's wrong? Don't you like flowers?"
"Yes, I do, but I hadn't planned on spending the weekend with my legs in the air."
Her friend was rather puzzled by this. The two walked on in silence for a while until she said, "Don't you have a vase?"

Mike Mason

New International Security Alert Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even" A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

ZIZOU

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman "
"Hello, do you mind if I talk to your dog?"

Welsh villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English ****."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Welsh villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Welsh villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welsh villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Welsh villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Welsh villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welsh villager (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

Mike Mason

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him; Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,"Business trip or Holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard....here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality"

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well",she explained, "one popular myth is that men of African descent are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish".

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet...."I'm sorry", she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name".

"Tonto",the man said......"Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy".

Mike Mason

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco
with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the
way t hrough the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco,
nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the
younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think
they're twins?.....
Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would shag you twice!"

Mike Mason

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
>family member lay gravely ill.
>Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
>"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
>worried faces.
>"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
>transplant.
>It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
>Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
>brain yourselves."
>The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
>length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
>The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a
>male brain"
>The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile,
>avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.
>A woman unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
>everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"
>The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
>group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
>price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."
>

Steffan

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the 2008 Beijing Olympic games...........
He begins with "oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the presidents ear...........

"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings, your speech is underneath"

Mike Mason

old but gold:

I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be
>>more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner
>>that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally
>>bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his
>>house.
>>
>>I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I
>>would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I
>>asked the centipede in the box,
>> "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?"
>>
>>But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few
>>minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a
>>drink?"
>>
>>But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I
>>waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation I decided to
>>ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the
>>centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there!
>>Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
>>
>>A little voice came out of the
>>box:...........................................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> wait for it...its worth it!!!! >
>>*
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F***ing shoes on.

Mike Mason

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair"
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a feckin' fortune.

Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all de talking. Cause if they hear our accent, they moight not be nice to us."

"I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me van and ..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't > you?"
"Well . . Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d'y tell dat?"

WAIT FOR IT.......

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

Stress Head

Guys, as you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic games in

>2012. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go
>to make up this spectacular have been especially altered for East
London.
>A copy of these changes has been leaked and is reproduced below.
>
>OPENING CEREMONY
>The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city.
>The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated
>on the roof of the stadium
>
>THE EVENTS
>In previous Olympic games, East London's competitors have not been
>particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
>events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
>
>100 METRES SPRINT
>Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
>in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will

>be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
>
>110 METRES HURDLES
>As above but with added obstacles (I.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
>fences,walls etc)
>
>HAMMER
>Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
>use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the
>most physical damage within three attempts.
>
>FENCING
>Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible
>in 5 minutes.
>
>SHOOTING
>A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
>target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
>will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages
>delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event

>by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore
shotgun.
>
>BOXING
>Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
>will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
>of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
>gets home. The bout will then commence.
>
>CYCLING TIME TRIALS
>Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
>take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
>trip away from home. All against the clock.
>
>CYCLING PURSUIT
>As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji
>rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.
>
>MODERN PENTATHLON
>Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
>and arson.
>
>SWIMMING EVENTS
>All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one
>is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organised.
>Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will
>comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
>pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
"The Verve".
>
>THE MARATHON
>A safe route has yet to be decided.
>
>MEN'S 50KM WALK
>Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
>guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford,
>especially anyone that appears to be mincing...
>
>THE CLOSING CEREMONY
>Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
>Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
>rock throwing, and music by the Walthamstow community choir. The flame
>will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable
>pitch invasion by confused West Ham United organised hooliganism club.
>The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes
>break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating
>boiler. Late
>News: Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the

>above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: killing a spouse,
>digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely
>named 'Calm Down' contest.
>
>To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug

>testing has been waived this year.
>
>

Mike Mason

West Ham TABLECLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion but tend to slip down
>the table after a short time - £4:99
>
>West Ham VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20 years action.
>This 10 min video, including lots of re-runs, is a perfect gift for any
>fan £9:99
>
>West Ham BANNERS - Come complete with interchangeable slogans Eg:-
>"Roeder OUT", "Redknapp OUT", "LET ME OUT" etc.. £15:00
>
>"OUR LITTLE HERO" KEYRINGS - Come complete with model of Billy Bonds
>(Our
>Hero) attached. - £0.50p each.
>
>West Ham JOKE BOOK - A MUST for all fans. This 900 page book is full of
>all the best jokes ever told about the club. - £25:00
>
>West Ham C0NDOMS - Come in sizes from "Little Hero" to "BIG Dowie".
>Ideal for the pricks in the Bobby Moore Stand. - £0:75p for life-times supply.
>(3)
>
>
>West Ham BRA - One for the ladies. This bra, in team colours, comes
>with good support but no cups- £14:99
>
>KEEPER'S GLOVE - A must for any fans at the back of the stand, or near
>the corner flags to catch any shots the lads may have at goal. £8:99
>
>LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for the more discerning fan. This quality
>publication gives detailed directions to every 'Nationwide' League
>Ground in the country. A snip at just £25:00
>
>West Ham LIPSTICK - Ideal for kissing goodbye. (To the Premier League,
>as worn by the players) £0:99p each

Steve Des

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Then he says: 'Watson, you idiot! Someone's stolen our tent!"

erasedcitizen

I've seen that one on a birthday card!! Smile

Steffan

Captain gets rumbled!
Very Happy

Stress Head

Three men , one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"
he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and went to the bathroom.
When he returned he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman glanced around behind and said ... " B-jesus , will you
look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!

>
> >>
>
> >>The Irishman glanced around behind and said ... " B-jesus , will you
>
> >>look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!

Jez

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the
>> plane.
>>
>> Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
>> other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
>>
>> Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
>> cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
>>
>> The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some
>> sign that this is just a little practical joke.
>>
>> None is forthcoming.
>>
>> The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the
>> people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight
>> for the water at the edge of the runway.
>>
>> As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
>> panicked screams fill the cabin.
>>
>> At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
>>
>> The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all
>> retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane
>> is in good hands.
>>
>> In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
>> "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
>> we're all gonna die."

Pat M

A man goes to see the doctor and says, 'doctor i've got a strawberry growing out of my head.' The doctor says, 'sit down a minute, i've got some cream for that.'

Mike Mason

ubject: Fwd: those golfers....
> >>
> >>>> To all you golfers out there
> >>>>
> >>>> Subject: The Hit Man
> >>>>
> >>>> Two old friends were just about to tee off at the
> >>>>first hole of their local Golf course when a guy carrying a golf
> >>>>bag
>
> >>>>called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't
> >>>>turn up."
> >>>>
> >>>> "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
> >>>>
> >>>> So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the
> >>>> company
>
> >>>>of the
> >>>>newcomer.
> >>>>
> >>>> Part way around the course, one of the friends asked
> >>>>the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
> >>>>
> >>>> "I'm a hit man," was the reply.
> >>>>
> >>>> "You're joking!" was the response.
> >>>>
> >>>> "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag,
> >>>>and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large
> >>>>telescopic sight.
> >>>>
> >>>> "Here are my tools."
> >>>>
> >>>> "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other
> >>>>friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my
> >>>>house from
>here."
> >>>>
> >>>> So he picked up the rifle and looked through the
> >>>> sight
>
> >>>> in
>
> >>>>the
> >>>>direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This
>sight
> >>>>is
> >>>>fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife
> >>>>in
>the
> >>>>bedroom.
> >>>>
> >>>> Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's
> >>>>my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The b***h!"
> >>>>
> >>>> He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for
> >>>>a hit?"
> >>>>
> >>>> "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars
> >>>> every
>
> >>>>time I
> >>>>pull the trigger."
> >>>>
> >>>> "Can you do two for me now?"
> >>>>
> >>>> "Sure, what do you want?"
> >>>>
> >>>> "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so
> >>>> shoot
>
> >>>>her in
> >>>>the mouth.
> >>>>
> >>>> Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just
> >>>>shoot his d*** off to teach him a lesson."
> >>>>
> >>>> The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing
> >>>>perfectly still for a few minutes.
> >>>>
> >>>> "Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer
> >>>>impatiently.
> >>>>
> >>>> "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think
> >>>> I
>can
> >>>>save
> >>>>you a grand here....

Mike Mason

Two 90 year old men, Mike & Joe, have been friend's all their lives.
>
>When it's clear that Joe is dying Mike visit's him every day.
>
>One day Mike say's" Joe, we've both loved Football all our lives &
>
>played Sunday Football together for so many years so
>
>Would you do me a favour if you can?.
>
>When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's
>football there".
>
>Joe looked up at his lifelong friend and said" Of course, if it's at
>all possible I'll do it "
>
>Shortly after that Joe passed on.
>
>A few night's later Mike was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding
>flash of white light & a voice calling out to him.
>
>"Mike, Mike, " " Who is it?" said Mike ? " It's me JOE "! "You're not
>Joe he just died " Yes, Yes it is, I'm in Heaven & it's
>
>fantastic." "And I've got some really good news and a little bad news
>"
>
>"Better tell me the good news first then" said Mike.
>
>"Well, I can tell you that there is football in heaven & better still
>all our old friends that passed on before us are here as well.
>
>Not only that, we're all young again, it's always springtime & it never
>rains or snows. The best of all is we can play football
>
>all we want & never get tired."
>
>"That's brilliant" said Mike " It's beyond my wildest dreams but what's
>the bad news about that ?"

>
>"You're playing central midfield next Tuesday!

Mike Mason

Subject: Nude Runner....

-----Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One=20
rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard=20
her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My=20
husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.=20
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your=20
problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out=20
the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered=20
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he=20
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked,

with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he=20
could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
watching=20
him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air . "It feels so wonderfully=20
free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your=20
clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed=20
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you=20
always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope... just when it's raining." drunken

mikemoreton

One Monday morning a mailman was walking the
neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both
cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming
out with a load of empty liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"
the mailman commented.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first time I've felt like moving since 4:00am Sunday.

We had fifteen couples from around the neighborhood
over for a friendly get together and it got a bit wild.

Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing
'WHO AM I?'"

"What the heck is that?" asked the mailman.

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughed and said, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded,

"Your name came up four or five times..."

Jez

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come
as
different emotions e.g.
Fear etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens
the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V
painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you
come as?"
The guy says, "I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant
come on
in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door
to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather
boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you
come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the
host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,
standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other
with
his willy stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing?
You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.
Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"
Paddy replies, "Well, oim fekin discustard, and Mick here has
just come in despair".

mikemoreton · Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Ethel went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Ethel always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Ethel and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Ethel, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Ethel replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Ethel agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

ZIZOU

It was a surprise to see David Beckham at Alan Ball's funeral today.

Oh well, I suppose he is a dead ball specialist!

Karl C

Beckham, like most of today's footballers, are not fit to lace Alan Balls boots.

Andy F

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the
front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to
the old man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?" The man replied,

"Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all
Eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,

"Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied,

"Been married to your sister for 44 years."

Stress Head

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

Mike Mason

A spurs fan was sitting with an arsenal fan and a west ham fan in Saudi
>Arabia , sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the
>police entered and arrested them. They were initially given the death
>sentence but contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But
>as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be
>released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
>
>As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:
>"It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of
>you one wish before your whipping, but you can not wish to not be
>whipped!"
>
>The arsenal fan thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to
>my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10
>lashes before the whip went through. The arsenal fan cried in pain.
>
>The spurs fan saw this and said: "Please tie 2 pillows to my back
>before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes.
>The spurs fan stood up smiling.
>
>The west ham fan saw this but before he could make his wish, the Sheikh
>said: "As a supporter of a team facing certain relegation,I feel it's
>only fair for you to get two wishes". The west ham fan thought for a
>second, then said: "Thank you most Royal and Merciful Highness. My
>first wish is to receive a hundred lashes with the strongest, toughest
>whip available."
>
>"If you so desire," the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his
>face, "and your second wish?"
>
>"Tie the Arsenal fan to my back"
>

Mike Mason

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

OK," said the old Jewish Man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the East for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he staggered back.

"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."

Mike Mason

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

OK," said the old Jewish Man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the East for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he staggered back.

"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."

Graham

It was funnier the first time.

Mike Mason

oops sorry Graham....must be something to do with a fault in the web setup....Karl, what the flaming hell is going on? ....Karl, what the flaming hell is going on?
....Karl, what the flaming hell is going on?
....Karl, what the flaming hell is going on? .
...Karl, what the flaming hell is going on?

etc
etc etc

Karl C

Mike, typing stuff twice is either deja-vu or dementia...you pick !

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Pat M

Why is there no Disneyland in China? Because there's no one tall enough to go on any of the good rides.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Pepper spray will do that to you.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are caring, sensitive and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

Mike Mason

TELLING STORIES
Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go Into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting
that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
going to the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mummy cut him off and said,
"Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save The rest of
it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face When you tell
it tonight." At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look And he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy Started doing the same
thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
MORAL:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt

Pat M

1)What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 20kgs.
2)A blonde, brunette and redhead are all in year nine. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde cos she's eighteen.
3)A man wakes up after surgery and screams at the doctor. 'Doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor says. 'Don't worry, that's normal, I amputated your arms.' geek

Beat those MM1.

Mike Mason

Damn you Pat......the gauntlet is thrown

rgds

Mike

watch this space

mikemoreton

Yeah!!! Watch this space!!

mikemoreton

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.

So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Pat M

I'm watching, MM1. All I've got is a joke from MM2 that's older than the Indians he's talking about.
Lots of love, Pat.

Mike Mason

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

mikemoreton

Well, lets try again then:

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame.. what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Mike Mason

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.

Pat M

A little boy asks his mother. 'Mum, what's a willy?'
Mum replies. 'It's the dangly bit between a man's legs.'
The little boy says. 'Mum, what's a c**t?'
His mum replies. 'That's the rest of him.'

I'm finding MM1 and MM2 a bit confusing with the mix of letters and numbers. So how about if Mike Mason could become Mr Mike Mason, and Mike Moreton stay the same thus doing away with the numericals. Could you let me, Mr Pat Muldoon, know while I eat my chocolate peanuts?
To summarize: If MM1/MMM and MM2/MM could contact MPM while I eat my M&M's that would be great. There, doesn't that seem much simplified?

P.S. Where's my friggin' Island?

Mike Mason

Pat, the loss of the island is down to Karl's lack of attention to archiving - a great loss to the known and civilised world (ie excludes Rayleigh).

Yes Mike Moretons arrival has handicapped things however he provided me with biscuits to make up for my stolen ones. Would have said this was indeed a 'caring club - my arse' if I had received customary birthday cake. However, I digress:

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with
girls.
- You know, my son, I didn't care too much about that detail, but that
should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?

rgds

Mr Mike Mason

Mike Mason

Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore

boom boom

Karl C

Pat M

Mike, you need to condense Mr Mike Mason to MMM, thus MM1 becomes MMM (no numericals). The other Mike, MM2, becomes just MM (no numericals). This is shorter than you typing Mr Mike Mason all the time and won't give MM2/MM a complex about not being number 1. I hope this is clearer than before where I started talking about peanuts which obviously confused you.

Lots of love. Pat. xxx

P.S. Where's my friggin' Island?

P.P.S. Karlycrow, there's no such person as MM1, see above.

mikemoreton

I kinda liked being MM2

hmph

Karl C

hear hear MM2,

bring back MM1 and MM2.

Mike Mason

A woman meets a man in a bar.................................

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to
his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that
one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly
teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering
the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to
lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of
thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears
all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of
the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the
top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have
such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this
to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after
awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be
the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns
to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he
romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She
is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of
raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in
the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks
coyly, "Well,how was it?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Stu

I recently purchased Steve Irwin's wetsuit from Ebay, but it's got a bloody hole in it.

Do you reckon I've been stung?

Mike Mason

Brilliant Stu. You are going to be a worthy poster to this forum .....

rgds

Mike

Pat M

Your right, Mr Mike Mason/MM1/MMM, it was a good one and your own wasn't bad either.

I rang up the local swimming baths and said. 'Is that the local swimming pool?' The voice on the line said. 'Depends where you're calling from.'

Love, Pat/Mr Pat Muldoon/MPM.

P.S. Where's my friggin' Island?!

mikemoreton

Pat,

What am i missing here? besides your island?

Whats that all about?

MM2

Karl C

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy."

Stevie

Mike you don’t want to know Smile

Pat use to run with the club until he couldn’t handle the pressure of running with the fast boys, and realised he was better at writing short stories on the forum bom

Surely its time for a new story now Pat, are you ever going to get back into running again?

Anyway getting off topic here.

Pat M

Will you listen to the cheek of the upstart? Considers himself a 'fast boy' and he can't even walk with his over advertised shins thread. I'm surprised it's not called 'Steve's Shins', to personalize it a bit more. And then the urchin says, 'You don't want to know, Mike', in response to Mikes question. Well I beg to differ, so, MM2/MM, it all began like this. Once upon a time.........Actually he might have a point. You don't want to know. lol.

P.S. I think Karlycrow might have sourced my jokes, not sure....Hmm?

P.P.S. Where's me friggin' Island?!

Mike Mason

Pat, I think apart from you, I must have been the only that loved the island.

It was surreal. It brought a touch of class to this great 'caring club - my arse..' A point of connection to reality in this existential wilderness we call life or.....Rayleigh.

Any chance you can start up another main thread on Muldoons Island and naff off out of this one where Karl has just dumped a Tommy Cooper...the cad...

rgds

MM1

Stevie

lol - I was just going to call it 'My Shins' but changed my mind.

I agree Mike, I too miss the Muldoons Island, it gave me something to look forward to when I got into work in the mornings, reading the next instalment

Karl C

Karl C

Never let it be said I stand in the way of Pat's creative juices.......

http://benfleetrunningclub.myfastforum.org/forum28.php

(just remember the libel laws this time !)

Pat M

MM1, you too spotted the Karlycrow Tommy Cooper insert. Mind you after the jokes you've been posting you can't really complain. You'll have to stop going to the library and checking out that 1952 copy of the Beano. And did you see what he said about my Island? To quote, 'long and tedious'. Can you believe such an exaggeration? And he has the temerity to warn me about the 'libel laws'.

A SHORT STORY. (Completely true and not exaggerated.)
For my fortieth the Club did me the most wonderful Birthday Cake. It was so big we had to leave it outside and we ate it there. After everyone had had seconds there was still loads leftover so we decided to give it to all the schools in Essex. (That's infant, junior and senior.) The kids dined on it for a month but there was still loads left. The school children got together and decided that for a school project they would send it to the poor countries in the world and feed them.
Now there are one billion people in India and two billion people in China but by God those kids made sure every last one of them got a piece of my Birthday Cake. Well those little yellow skins and brown skins thrived on it. They were so energized that they began to rebuild their countries. Trade now is booming and the economy soaring so fast that soon China will be the greatest Super Power in the world. And all because of my Birthday Cake from the caring Benfleet Running Club.
Now it would be rude of me if at this point I didn't ask MM1 how much he liked his Club Birthday Cake? blackeye

Mike Mason

Pat, hi. A truly moving story.. I now know why Karl hates you and sunk the Island...... compress

rgds

Mike

ps - get posting the Muldoons again - 'shivers me timber, avhast their you land lubbers'...sorry MM2 you won't understand the significance of that.......but oh my God you will..

Mike Mason

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie Engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

“I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total”, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, “I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”

POOOOFF! With The blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state.”

POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.”

The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, “Fill it with water.”

Pat M

Keep taking the pills, MM1.

A barber has a sign over the door. It reads.......
'I give three kinds of haircut. Good, cheap or fast. You can choose any two of the three.
1) If you choose cheap and good, it will not be fast.
2) If you choose good and fast, it will not be cheap.
2) If you choose cheap and fast it will not be good.

Up the rebels!!!

mikemoreton

and the punchline is.........................

Pat M

There wasn't a punchline, MM2.
Regards. MPM1.

Mike Mason

Pat, I am with MM2 - that is the crappest 'joke' ever posted surely...unless there were previous references to West Ham etc...

Pat M

I know it wasn't very good, Mike, but I want to give you a chance.
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

mikemoreton

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife "Ya
know sumptin´, womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire
Station...
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we´s ready to go.

So from now on womon, when I say ´Bell one´, I want you to strip naked.

When I say ´ Bell two´, you jump on de bed.
When I say ´ Bell three´, we´s gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night he came home and shouted:
"Bell One!", and his wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two!", and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three!", and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out "Bell Four!".

"WOMON... What da hell is ´Bell Four´?", he asked.

She replied
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN´T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!!!!"

Karl C

One man's hobby was running, he spent all his weekends on the park trails, paying no attention to weather.

One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the park as usual.
It was still dark, cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
"What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes," she replied "but my idiot husband still went running!"

Anna Spanner · the monkey in the jungle

Why did the monkey get lost in the Jungle?

Because the jungle is f*CKing HUGE! laughing8

Mike Mason

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Tony Blair falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Blair.

"I'm sorry ... But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ... Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Blair with a frosty drink, "Have a

tequila and relax, Tony!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Blair, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Blair takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education,Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Blair steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Blair is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Blair reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down,all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Blair and puts an arm around his shoulder."I don't understand," stammers a shocked Tony, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

Pat M

What is the most deadly insect in the world?
The hepatitus bee.

Look at the length of my jokes, then look at above. And they say i'm long winded.
Over and out.

Mike Mason

Pat, yes I would agree..a tad verbose in the Muldoon manner but it is clever, funny and witty unlike the beek joke which I still don't get

kisses

Mike

Mike Mason

ok so it wasn't a 'beek' and yes I get it.... cyclops_ani

Mike Mason

Visiting a barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

College Writing
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

Smart Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to th! e moon? " The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

Jokes

A sick joke..

Fifty Dollars

the monkey in the jungle