Karl C
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more crap jokesTwo young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man, perplexed but intrigued, couldn’t help but ask, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him (pointing to the boy who came in with him). He’s my little brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”
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Bet you cant guess who??
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The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
(after spending a week with the Capt'n - he should take a note of this one)!!!
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
---------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
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Mike Mason
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I can....one of the Girl's team who should be bloody hoovering or washing up.... 
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Bet you cant guess who??
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Hey, its comments like that make women post jokes like this (although how I find the time with all that housework is a mystery):-
The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,
and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to
the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and
her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on
my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that
casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
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Karl C
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Can You Read This?fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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Karl C
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SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
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Karl C
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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINEA new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through CASH machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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Mike Mason
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The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon"
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
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The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
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The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
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Mike Mason
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Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f**k off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
5. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
7. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
25. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
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Mike Mason
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > They were determined to make this a real vacation
> > by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
> >
> > As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
> > and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses,
> > etc.
> >
> >
> >
> > The next morning they went to the beach
> > dressed in their "tourist" garb.
> >
> > They were sitting on beach chairs,
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
> > drop dead gorgeous blonde in a topless bikini
> > came walking straight towards them.
> >
> > They couldn't help but stare.
> >
> >
> >
> > As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
> > "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"
> > nodding and addressing each of them individually,
> > then she passed on by.
> > They were both stunned.
> >
> > How in the world did she know they were priests?
> > So the next day, they went back to the store
> > and bought even more outrageous outfits.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
> > Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to
> > enjoy the sunshine.
> >
> > After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
> > wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time,
> > came walking toward them.
> >
> > Again she nodded at each of them, said
> >
> >
> >
> > "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,"
> > and started to walk away.
> >
> > One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
> > "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"
> >
> > "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
> > how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
> >
> >
She replied,
> >
> >
> > "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
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Mike Mason
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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise ,
God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line
for the men who were true heads of their household and the other
line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the
women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The
line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household,
there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You
have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all
of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.".
God turned to the one man and said, "How did you manage to be the
Only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here".
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Mike Mason
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An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He
walks into
> a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As
she takes
> his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
> Over
the course of the evening they get chatting.
> At the end of her shift he
asks if she wants to come back to his place.
>
> Although she is
attracted to him she says no.
> He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep
with him.
>
> As she is travelling around the world, and is short
of funds,she agrees.
> The next night the guy turns up again. Again he
orders Fosters and after
> showing her plenty of attention, asks if she
will sleep with him again
> for $200.
> She remembers the night
before and is only too happy to agree.
>
> This goes on for 5
nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
> orders Fosters but goes
and sits in the corner.
> The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more
attention then, maybe she
> can shake some more cash out of him.
>
So she goes over and sits next to him.
>
> She asks him where he's
from in Australia.
>
> "Melbourne", he tells her.
>
>
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
>
> "Glen Iris" he
replies.
>
> "That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what
street?"
> "Cameo Street" he replies.
>
> "This is
unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What
>
number?"
> "Number 20", he replies.
>
> She is totally
astonished.
> "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm
from number
> 22! My parents still live there!"
>
> "I
know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
>
> HE
WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
>
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mikey
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Hi MM1
Nice to see your crap jokes are back on form
Any chance of making them a little shorter, as I have a very short attention spa……
( A classic Crap Joke ……. And only one line long !!! )
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Karl C
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hear hear
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Mike Mason
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is this short enough..............
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr.
Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This
time he's crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have,
Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and
runs away.
About two miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth
you have Mr. Wolf," exclaims Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Look, will you f**k
off, I'm trying to have a shit!"
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Karl C
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TOTTENHAM manager Juande Ramos is preparing a list of players to axe ahead of the January transfer window. Well, at least Paul Robinson will be number one on someone’s list.
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Karl C
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Pammie
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A guy was sitting quietly, reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him
and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known
there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV
when she walked up and hit him in the head again,
this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him
out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the
hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
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Karl C
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
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Mike Mason
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
> pearly gates.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,'You must each possess
> something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
>
> The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
> He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
>
> 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
>
> The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
> He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
>
> Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
>
> The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
> finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
>
> St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And
> just what do those symbolize?'
>
> The man replied, 'These are Carol's.
>
> And So The Christmas Season Begins......
>
>
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