JOKES - the new thread

Karl C · JOKES - the new thread

Older women

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
Excitedly.I said, 'No'
We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

JBD

Wrong....just so horribly.......wrong.....

Mike Mason

JBD...I have to agree with you.....

Karl C

It could happen...?

Anyway, saw that Die hard 4.0 last night - is that really based on a true story..????

Mike Mason

I saw it as well Karl......the plot and explosions played second fiddle in my mind to Bruce Willis looking old and bereft of his rug.....

Karl C

He was very good on the wing of that Jet Fighter though...

mikemoreton

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Deirdre.

Karl C

Wrong....just so horribly.......wrong.....

mikemoreton

You started it!!!

Mike Mason

'No we didn't..'
'yes you did..you invaded Poland....'

Karl C

no, no, it's a hamster..!

rmlowery

Two deaf blokes are sitting in a pub when a song comes on the jukebox.
1st deaf bloke (spoken in a deaf accent): "What kind of music is this?"
2nd deaf bloke (also spoken in a deaf accent): "I don't know, I'll go and ask the barman".

With this he gets up and goes over to the barman and says "Barman, what type of music is this? Is it punk rock?"

Barman: "No".
2nd deaf bloke: "Is it disco?"
Barman: "No"
2nd deaf bloke: "Is it trance?"
Barman: "No"
2nd deaf bloke: "Well what kind of music is it then?"
Barman: "I don't know, but I think its Country and Western"

The 2nd deaf bloke returns to his table. His friend asks "What type of music is this? Is it punk rock?"

2nd deaf bloke: "No"
1st deaf bloke: "Is it disco?"
2nd deaf bloke: "No"
1st deaf bloke: "Is it trance?"
2nd deaf bloke: "No"
1st deaf bloke: "Well what kind of music is it then?"
2nd deaf bloke: "He didn't know but he thinks its some c**t from Preston"

Mike Mason

now that's more like the sort of class joke we need..excellent one!

Mike Mason

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed
my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a
drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Jez

This is clever,

1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE:

http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

2. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE

3. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE

(Skip your e-mail address.)

4. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens ... & don't ask me how they do that!!!!!

Mike Mason

Jez, brilliant!! For some reason whatever name I typed in the second one always came back as.....................Ernie

Mike Mason · You are a man my son..

1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Mustard.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in
line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. Seeya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh#t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C*NT - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

Mike Mason

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just

like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the

time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like

that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won

the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an

opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard

him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember

everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and

which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I

change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he

could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid

traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But

Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman

and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was

in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly

polished he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could

ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his F***ing widow!!!

Jez

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a
Holiday . He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
Life. That is, until the ship sank!

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
Gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the
Shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when
My cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
You.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials
I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove
The bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
Island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
Fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
Used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the
Man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk
Leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
White.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
Man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
Casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you
Like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop
Of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you
Like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
On her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
Announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
Like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
Cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
The cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
A hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
Positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
Down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
Out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
Really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares into his
Eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
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'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

Jez · Aussies, you ve got to love em!

Australian Letter - Fabulous!

A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that we/they
are far more direct
and outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of
elected w*nker
who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what we
were trying to
communicate.

Below is one such wonderful communication... ----------ooo---------ooo------------
Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still
cannot believe
this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number,
and knows
that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them
back in 1997,
and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where
I was born and
on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it
is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It
is on my driver's
licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on
all those stupid
customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before
being allowed off
the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census
forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all,
that my
mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack,
and I'd be
absolutely
f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when
I drop
dead!!!...

SH*T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off
this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this
bullsh*t! You send the
application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking
address!! What
the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang
of mindless
Neanderthal a*seholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like
Bin Laden? I
can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just
want to go to New
Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son
interbred with a
Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you
give a sh*t
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If
I ever got
the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse,
believe you me,
I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the
other end of the
city, and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate,
and to part
with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN
INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the
same spot, to
assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day??
Nooooo..
that'd be too f*cking easy and makes far too much
sense. You would much
prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens
with our
f*cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high
society w*nker
to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo!
You know the
photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
...you f*cking morons

> Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and
getting someone in
high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family
has been in this
country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers
took up arms
with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army
something over 30
years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high
security
clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president
of the RSL.. and
Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each
year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone
'important' to
verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS
BORN AND
RAISED IN F*CKING PAKISTAN !!!......a country where they
either
assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are
suspended from the
Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of
government.'

You are all F*cking idiots or w*nk to much, as your brains
are in your d*cks!!!

rmlowery

A lorry has arrived in Beijing loaded with barbed wire and wooden posts......turned out to be the Irish Fencing Team.

---------------

Craig David has revealed he will be part of the 2012 Archery Team......he's going to be the Bo Selecta.

mikemoreton

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

rmlowery

Gary Glitter (sorry)

and some ladybird books that were never published

Jez

Mike Mason

Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my co usin. I'm going to give you two choices - either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, That was a big mistake, Bob that was my cousin and you've got two choices - either I maul you to death or I have sex with you." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"D:

mikemoreton

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
>
> Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
>
> 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
>
> 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
>
> They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
> he shares his. She listens.
>
> After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
>
> The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
> 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
>
> 'No,' she replies. . .
>
>
>
>
> Wait for it. .
>
>
>
>
> It's coming. .
>
>
>
> The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
>
>
> She says:
> 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Mike Mason

Truly awful....I preferred that great Polar Bear joke.......

Anonymous

mikemoreton

A little boy gets ten pounds for his birthday & rushes down to the the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for.He gets the ball down from the rack & gives the shopkeeper his ten pound.

'Sorry son',says the shopkeeper.'This ball costs twenty pound,but you've only got ten pound'.

Thinking quickly,the boy looks up at the club balls & says,'Ok.If you blindfold me & I guess the ball will you let me have the ball for ten pound'?

The shopkeeper curiously agrees,& blindfolds the boy.

First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball.'Ok',says the boy placing his ear to the ball.'I can hear the blasting of two cannons.This must be an Arsenal ball'.

'That was a lucky guess',said the shopkeeper.'Lets try another one'.So he hands him a Millwall ball

'Ok',says the boy placing his ear to the ball again.'I can hear a pack of rampant lions.'It must be a Millwall ball'.

'Goodness me',says the shopkeeper.'If you get the next one right I'll let you have the ball for nothing' & passes him another ball.Again the boy puts the ball to his ear & after a few moments he says,'That's a Tottenham ball'.

'I don't believe it',shouts the shopkeeper.'How on earth did you get that one?I suppose you heard a cockerel crowing?'
'No',said the boy.'It's going down'.

Mike Mason

ha bleedin ha!

Mike Mason

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to p!ss off & let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited
bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that
large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I fu*king didn't."

Pammie

Johnnyboy · Postman Dave's Last Day

It was Postman Dave's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him with an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'F*** him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

rmlowery

********BREAKING NEWS********
Osama Bin Laden sent out a new video to prove he was still alive, in it he commented on Spurs recent poor form.

Britsh intelligence dissmissed it saying: ''That could have been recorded anytime in the last 8 years''...

rmlowery

A priest checks into a top class hotel, when he checks in he asks, "are all the porn channels disabled". "no" says the receptionist, "it's regular porn you sick bas**rd!"

Mike Mason

The Point System - You HAVE to read it all .....
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
1. You make the bed (+1)
2. You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
3. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
4. You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+

But return with Beer (-5)
5. You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
6. You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
7. You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
8. You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
9. It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
1. You stay by her side the entire party (0)
2. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
3. Named Rita (-4)
4. Rita is a dancer (-6)
5. Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
1. You forget her birthday (-50000)
2. You take her out to dinner (0)
3. You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
4. Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
5. And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
6. It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
1. You take her to a movie (+2)
2. You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
3. You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
4. You take her to a movie you like (-2)
5. It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
6. You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
1. You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
2. You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
3. You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
4. You say, 'It doesn't matter, you have one too.' (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
1. She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
2. You hesitate in responding (-10)
3. You reply, 'Where?' (-35)
4. Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
1. When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
2. You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
3. You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
4. She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
5. Now what chance do you have???

Ian J

The Spurs back four are forming a Boy Band...

They are called "Goals Aloud"

Karl C

Hey, now leave it - they have won a game and have a new (old) manager.
They are all now saying they are going to win the League, so give them a little bit of lee-way

(until they get hammered on Wednesday, that is)

Mike Mason

Thaks Karl for your sentiments...

mArKw

I've been getting earache of my other half, she says i dont spend enough time with her and that i spend too much time out running and watching sport on the telly.

Anyway i booked a table for 2 last night at 8.00 to try and patch things up. By 9.00 things were even worse. She hadn't even potted a single f**king red

Karl C

One man's hobby was running, he spent all his weekends on the park trails, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the park as usual. It was still dark, cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes," she replied "but my idiot husband still went running!"

Karl C

Two hikers on a trail came around the bend to find an enormous brown bear about 75 yards up the trail. The bear spies them and begins running toward them at a full gallop. One hiker drops his backpack, sits down, throws off his boots, and starts lacing up a pair of running shoes. The other hiker says: "What are you doing? You will never outrun that bear!". The first hiker replies: "I don't have to outrun the bear..."

Karl C

And one for MM1

JBD

Mike Mason

I have to admit I loved the snooker table one and the 'run like a girl' one.

Jez

Someone told me Darren Bent scored a hat-trick last night.................that has to be a joke!!!!

Andy F

Haringey Borough Council have refused Tottenham Hotspur planning permission to use a piece of waste ground, near White Hart Lane for a new stadium. Apparently a circus once a year is OK but a pantomine twice a month is too much!!!

The Tottenham Hotspur club shop is currently selling a video called '' Spurs Glory Years''. The cost is £200, that's £5 for the tape and £195 for the Betamax player.

Andy F

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '£750'
man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£1,000.'

The father says, 'that's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now'

Karl C

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Mike Mason

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
> in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale
> .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is
> in the backyard.
>
>
>
> The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
> retriever sitting there.
>
>
>
> 'You talk?' he asks.
> 'Yep,' the Lab replies.
>
>
>
> After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
> 'So, what's your story?'
>
>
>
> The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when
> I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
> CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
> sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
> a dog would be eavesdropping.'
>
>
>
> 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
> the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
> any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
> airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
> characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
> was awarded a batch of medals.'
>
>
>
> 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
>
>
>
> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
> for the dog.
>
>
>
> 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
>
>
>
> 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
> cheap?'
>
>
>
> 'Cos he's a bloody liar. He never did any of that sh*t.
>

JOKES - the new thread

You are a man my son..

Aussies, you ve got to love em!

Postman Dave's Last Day